Batman and Robin:
Best Movie of All Time?
Forget
Batman Begins. Forget Dark Knight. Forget the very first Batman movie with
Michael Keaton. This is the culmination of perfection right here. This is the
very best the Batman films have to offer! We have not one, not two, but THREE
whole enemies (a fourth, if you count Dr. Woodrue, the Floronic Man). Let me
introduce the fantasticly-wardrobed and deviously-menacing cast of antagonists:
Poison Ivy (Pamela Isley)
Ravishingly-beautiful. Unbelievably deadly.
Like the poison ivy plant that is her namesake, she's an
itch you just HAVE to scratch. Pamela Isley, AKA Poison Ivy (a very
moderately-driven, not-at-all-overacted role played by Uma Thurman), who
transforms from a cute, bookworm-ish scientist to deadly plant-controlling
villainess. How does she become the lovely Poison Ivy, though?
In a clever and genius piece of scriptwriting, she has a table full
of chemicals dumped on her - chemicals so powerful they indeed melt her a tomb
into the Earth, from which she resurrects herself as this sadistic seductress! Now THAT'S some realism!!
Mr. Freeze (Victor Fries)
Victor Fries was
performing a cryogenic experiment in an attempt to save his deathly-ill wife
when an act of sabotage trapped him in an unfortunately-sealed room with deadly
cryogenic gases escaping the chamber threatening to freeze the villain alive!
But it did far worse than simply kill him....
Victor woke up to
find he could only tolerate temperatures of extreme cold. Forced to don a
deadly plastic....errr, cryogenic suit of armor to regulate his body
temperature, he now walks the Earth as the murderous Mr. Freeze!
Ooo! Utterly
terrifying! I mean, just look at that picture! It sends chills up my spine:
Those cold, lifeless eyes. That deadly thousand-yard stare. That venomous shade
of blue lipstick. I wouldn't want to meet this monstrous foe in a dark alley -
he's all business. Not a cheesy one-liner in sight: (like "The Iceman Cometh", "Freeze well" or "There's only one absolute: Everything
freezes.")
Bane (Dark Knight Rises version)
This is the version
of Bane you are familiar with: Tom Hardy playing the brutal, brawling bad-ass
Bane. In the Dark Knight Rises, Bane manages not only to (spoilers, spoilers,
spoilers, spoilers...) completely
incapacitate the Gotham Police Department, nearly kill Commissioner Gordon
and isolate the entire city of Gotham from all outside aid, but he also
shatters Batman's spine and leaves the hero to a fate worse than death! Because of Bane, Bruce Wayne spends a third of the movie lying
broken and helpless in the hellhole prison that created Bane himself ,
watching on TV as his home city is laid waste by the villainous
mastermind!
But let's face it,
this is hardly the best version of Bane available in the Batman movie universe.
Completely incapacitate the police department? That's nothing. I could do that with my eyes closed! Isolate all of Gotham City
and lay it waste? Piece of cake. Break Batman's spine? Psssh. Who hasn't?
No, no, no my
friends. The best version of Bane lies before you:
Bane (The TRUE Bane!!)
This version of Bane
is clearly the most terrifying villain of them all! The spikes around his belt
and the impossible veins in his "arms" show that he means BUSINESS!
In this movie, Bane manages not only to consistently growl with a
two-year-old's intellect throughout the whole movie, he drives a shopping cart
in a way so terrifying, it may leave you QUAKING IN FEAR for days!! Never have
I seen a villain do a more terrifying rendition of Driving Miss Daisy as Bane
does here, driving Poison Ivy around as her chauffeur and catering to her every
need.
Still skeptical?
Watch the scene where he is dressed up in a purple monkey suit. Clearly, this
Bane is better than all the other versions. I mean, he's so deadly, he doesn't
even need a personality!
Monstrous rogues
gallery indeed! Be here for part two where I delve deeper into the Heroes of
the Fantastic and Oscar-Worthy Batman and
Robin Movie!
---Devils Advocate Movie Reviews
"GRRR!! Yes, Miss Daisy..."
